Opening Up the Locked Door of Creativity

I started reading a book last night that I’m using as research for my NaNoWriMo novel. It got me all excited about writing again, but I still haven’t actually written anything…for anything.

I’m getting there, though.

I’ve been having weird dreams lately. A lot of death, which I’m sure has to do with the death theme for a short story contest I’m thinking of entering. Another dream had to do with dating Michael Jackson (while he was still alive…the dream wasn’t that weird). I was going to sell my story to the National Enquirer because I needed the money.

My friend, Rissa, thinks that I’ve been having the dreams because I’m re-opening the door to my creativity. I like the idea of that. For a while there, I couldn’t remember my dreams and that is unusual for me.

So anyway, back to NaNo…the book I started reading has to do with women in the civil war. With each page I read, the ghost of the story that had been forming in my head started to take a more realistic form. My characters started to develop personalities and scenes started playing themselves out in my head.

It was exciting.

I need to start carrying my long-lost idea notebook around with me again, or I’ll end up with yellow post-it notes stuck all over everything.

Where the Hell Did I Put My Saddle?

I’ve been trying to get back in the writing saddle. Well, I’ve been thinking about it, at least.

I even signed up for NaNoWriMo in November.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I’ve done a few sporadic online articles here and there for some extra money, but I really want to write fiction. I really enjoy writing fiction…until I realize that it’s just not quite good enough.

For some reason, I can’t differentiate between one of my stories not being good enough and me not being good enough.

I know I’m a little rough around the edges. I also know that if I dedicated a little time to the craft, I could smooth those edges out.

It’s really not that I don’t think I’m good enough. It’s just that I’m not as good as I thought I was once upon a time. You know that time…when you realize you want to write and you’re still living in your own little writing world where your only audience is the legion of fans and agents and editors and publishers in your imagination that will be clamoring to be The One that breaks you out into the world of World Famous Author.

That audience ditched me about the time I had my first story rejected. So much for loyalty, eh?

But you would think I would have remained loyal to myself. But instead of pursuing my dream, I retreated into a protective shell of not writing anything. I climbed off the horse and walked away. If I don’t write anything, then I can’t be rejected…right?

Phhht. I know this won’t come as a shock to most people, but that didn’t get me any closer to being who I wanted to be. Actually, it feels like I’ve taken a major leap backward.

So, I’m going to climb back on that horse…even if I have to ride it bareback.

Stupid Pet Owners…Yup, It’s a Rant

So I’m driving home from work today and out of nowhere comes this dog who thinks it’s good fun to chase moving vehicles that outweigh it by a couple hundred pounds.

What the hell? Why is this dog running loose? What was the owner of this dog possibly thinking when they opened up the door and let their dog out without any kind of restraint?

You know what really pisses me off? These people are probably the type of people who will look at you like you committed a heinous crime when you show up on their doorstep to let them know that their dog decided to play chicken with your three-quarter ton pickup and you won because they were too freaking lazy to restrain their pet. Because I’m not the type of person who could drive off. I would have to go up to the house. Because even though I think the dog’s owner is dumber than cotton for letting their dog run loose and they have no business even having a pet, I could not imagine how it would feel to look out to the road and see that pet laid out across the road.

So there I’ll be, blubbering like an idiot because I felt more for this dog than the people who own it (and I know I’ll be blubbering because I cried when I hit a wild rabbit once), and they’re going to look at me like I’m the cruel one.

Bite me.

I’m also the type of person who would probably go off in a ditch or risk getting rear-ended to avoid hitting a dog, which would also piss me off. But it’s not the dog’s fault their owners are stupid.

Why get a pet if you’re not going to take care of it properly? Do people think they are disposable?

Well, Duke got hit…what kind of dog do you want to get now?

Christ, these are living creatures. If you care so little about your pets, here’s an idea…don’t get one.

Idiots.

The Return of the Minivan

I finally got another minivan. I kinda-sorta lost mine in the last kinda-sorta divorce. It’s a long story. You’d be bored.

I’m going to tell it anyway. I’ll try for the condensed version.

I divorced my ex-husband in 2001…I think. Well, I know I divorced him, I’m just not sure on the year. Anyway, we got back together a year after that.

 

Then we got a minivan…a Chevy Venture. I loved that van. It was great on trips to New York to visit my parents. One kid sat in one row, the other one sat in another row. We didn’t have to hear, “Stop touching me!” or “Get your stuff off my side!” or “Mo-o-om…he’s drooling on me!”. It was a lovely thing and everyone survived the trip and no one got left behind in Pennsylvania. Good times were had by all.

 

Anyway, the sequel to the relationship wasn’t much better than the original version, and we ended it…again.

 

I kept the van. I still loved that van.

 

Then he ended up remarrying. He married his first love and high school sweetheart. It’s a cool story, but I’m not going to tell it here. I promised the condensed version.

 

His second wife has two daughters. He has custody of our two sons (another story, but if you want some insight into it, you can find it here). With four kids, they needed the van more than I did.  So we traded…I gave them the van and I took his wife’s car.

 

The car ended up dying on me, so it was time to get a new one. My significant other bought us a Chevy Uplander. It looks just like the one on the picture. It took some convincing to talk him into a van. He’s old school…cars should be cool. They should make a statement and he thought a van stated, “I’m not cool”.

 

I finally won him over when I told him no guy in his right mind would hit on me in a minivan.

 

So I am now the proud driver of a Chevy Uplander. It’s even better than the Venture. It has a DVD player. My boys love it. It’s so cute to glance in the rearview mirror and see their faces glued to yet another television screen. It does keep them quiet, though.

 

Sigh…I love that van.

 

Isn

photo provided by Wikimedia Commons

Men, women and sex toys…

Okay, I’m going to step away from what I normally write about for a moment, and write about what I (almost) always think about…sex.

I love sex. I am very open about the fact that I love sex. Call it my sexual peak or just call it good genes, there are very few times when I will turn down sex. I have to be in a coma or pretty damn close to it. Thanks to a very open-minded mother, I am not embarrassed about any of these facts (thanks, Mom!). Yeah, I was raised right.

A co-worker recently asked my opinion on what he should get his wife for their anniversary. I suggested the Pearl Rabbit vibrator. I have one and love it.

Of course, I didn’t go into details. It was, after all, a work setting. Luckily, I work with truck drivers, so there’s not too much I can say that will offend them. Embarrass them, yes…but not offend them.

What surprised me, other than the fact that one guy actually giggled (yes, giggled) uncomfortably, was when another co-worker who was listening in said, “It sounds like you’re going to be replaced.”

Really? Do guys really think this?

I think I can honestly say that as much as I love the Rabbit, there is no way that this little guy will ever replace the real thing for me. Accentuate it, yes…even enhance it. Maybe even substitute on occasion if needed. But never, ever will he replace it. It’s just not going to happen.

So it got me wondering. Do guys really feel this way about vibrators and sex toys? Are they intimidated by them? Now, before you let your pride answer that, let me clarify. I’ve heard some guys say that they aren’t fond of women and vibrators because there’s no way, no matter how hard they try, they’ll ever get their penis to vibrate.

You do know we realize that, and we’re okay with that, right? It’s not a competition. We’re not laying there comparing the voodoo that you do versus the mechanics of a few C batteries. If your woman actually is doing that, then you may have bigger problems than I can help you with.

I guess my point to all this is that there is no reason to feel like you’re being replaced if your woman gets a vibrator. It doesn’t make you less of a man. She’s probably wanting to try something new without bringing a third person into your bedroom…yet.

To all you guys who are okay with a vibrator in your bedroom…good for you. It shows a self confidence that is sexy. To all you others…trust me, you’re not being replaced.

Good Friends and Family…

Well, I didn’t place in the Accentuate Short Story Contest…this time.  I made the finals, so I am happy to have shown improvement after my first entry.  Michelle Devon (Michy), who runs the contests and the forum, said a couple judges liked my story, but my dialogue was weak.

I can learn to write good dialogue, right?  Of course I can.  I learned a long time ago that I can do anything I set my mind to.  Although some things may take longer than others.

I emailed Michy at the tail end of my self pity party and asked her if a mediocre writer could learn to be a good writer.  Some people are born with a natural talent to write. Hehehe…I thought I was one of those people until I started learning what makes a good writer.

Okay, so my ego took a blow.  It wasn’t the first time. I’ve survived each and every other time too.  Not only did I survive, but I picked myself up and became a little better for it.

Michy gave me hope, too.  She told me that any person with a passion to write can learn to become a good writer.  I just have to want it badly enough.

I want it badly.

Good Friends

Rissa Watkins, a very good friend of mine, won the contest.  I am happy to say I was bouncing in my seat when I read that she had won first place before I allowed myself to wallow in self pity.  The tears of joy for her success started before the tears of disappointment.

She is going to be published in the anthology book that is set to come out next year.  Not only will she be published, but her name will be on the front cover for all the world to see.

Her story was incredible, and very close to her heart.  She deserved to win, although she didn’t think she had a chance. 

I think she’s still in shock…hehehe.

Rissa and I started entering these contests together.  We have supported each other and cheered each other on every step of the way. 

You don’t find friends like that very often.  At least, I don’t.  Especially when you consider the fact that technically we were competing against each other.  But it never felt that way.

Even though Rissa and I have never met in person, and even though I don’t hand out the title of “friend” very often, I can honestly say that she is one of the dearest friends I have in my life.  I am incredibly happy for her success.

And I know that we’ll be cheering each other on for the next contest.

Good Family

After the winners were announced last night, I had myself a little pity party.  Just a little one.  I gave the negative voices in my head about two hours to tell me I’d never make it as a writer and that I’d never be good enough.

Bah!

Then I poured myself a small glass of Bailey’s, went out to the patio and called my momma.   She cheered me up, as always.  And she encouraged me, as always. 

It’s good to have people in your life you can count on.

She told me to not give up, that she knew someday she would be holding a book that I had written.  She also said she’s told other people that they would someday see a book published that I had written.

We laughed when I told her I hoped she wasn’t telling any old people that since it may take awhile. 

Rissa…if you’re reading this…Mom was thrilled and excited you had won.  She’s very happy for you.

So, I’m (almost) ready to get going on my next entry, or entries.  I may submit more than one this time.  I would like to wait until I receive my critique from Michy on my last entry so I can see how to improve my writing.

You see, I’m going to learn how to be a good writer.  And I will be published some day.

After all, I have to make an honest woman out of my mother.

Accentuate Short Story Contest Update…

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that I had submitted another story to the short story contest on the Accentuate Writers Forum and I promised to update how I did.  Well…

I made the finals!!

That thrills me more than you can imagine, because that means I am improving.  When I entered the contest before this one, my story kind of fell flat and left readers uninterested.  I am thrilled to have made it this far in this contest. 

I also paid extra for a crit from author and editor (and the forum boss lady) Michelle L. Devon.  It is very possible that I am looking forward to receiving that as much as seeing who won the contest.  It’s close.

We should find out who the winners are in the next few days. 

I’m going to be honest here.  I am thrilled I made it this far.  You can’t imagine how thrilled I was to see I had made the finals.

But…

I want to be published in one of these anthologies so bad I can barely stand it.  I want more than the finals.  I want to be published.  I want to be able to look at myself and think I am good enough.

So, if I don’t make it this time, that is my motivation for next time.

Speaking of next time, Michelle recently posted the announcement for the September/October contest.  You can read about it here.  If there are any writers (at any level) out there reading this, consider joining. The prizes are bigger and this will be the last short story contest for the anthology set to come out in February of next year.

There is also information about the contests and anthologies for 2009.  Come check it out!

Trying to quit smoking…

I have decided (again) to quit smoking.

I’ve tried in the past with no success.  This time I’m going cold turkey.  I’ve tried drugs and patches in the past and they didn’t work.  I figure I’ll have just as much of a chance at success by going cold turkey as I’ve had in the past with the “extras” and I won’t be shelling out the extra money.  Money is a big motivator for me.

It all comes down to willpower.  No matter what cessation process you try, you need the willpower.  A pill or a patch is not going to give you that willpower.  At least it didn’t give it to me.

Friday was supposed to be my quit date.  I didn’t make it.  Saturday I had ten.  Sunday I smoked five. Today I went until 3 o’ clock before I had one.  It was a full flavored.  It made me extremely dizzy and i was afraid I was afraid I was going to throw up.

I hate throwing up.

I’m hoping I will remember that feeling the next time I get it in my head I can have “just one more” because that one more sure as hell wasn’t worth it.

I’m going to think my happy thoughts and think that I got so dizzy and so nauseated because by going seventeen hours without a cigarette, my body had already expelled many of the toxins from the cigarettes.  My body wasn’t prepared for the onslaught.

I have always told myself that if I had it to do all over again, i would listen to my body when it reacted to those first few cigarettes…the dizziness, the nausea, the spinning.  Well, here’s my chance to start over.  I had a cigarette and my body didn’t like it.

It’s time to quit.

Gone Fishin’

Maggie the Wonder Dog

Today was the last official day of our staycation.  Last night we went out to family property and camped out.  We “roughed it” with a toy hauler.  Actually, the only roughing it we had to survive was no television, no computer (ouch!) and limited electricity.  We still had a shower and a stove.  It was very relaxing.

There is a stocked fishing hole on the property so we did a little fishing.  Well, I fished while my SO took my fish off the hook.  I can’t do that.  I can bait my own hook though.

I caught four good sized bass and two bluegill.  I hate those suckers.  I got cut one time by their spiny little backs and now I can’t stand them.  Plus, they are a bunch of sneaky bait stealers.  The go up and nibble on your bait while you sit there waiting for them to latch onto your hook, and it hardly ever happens.  Obviously, they’re smarter than I am because I will sit there for fifteen minutes waiting on them to take that bobber down, not realizing my hook is now empty; meanwhile, they have already swam away with a belly full of my bait.  Thievin’ bastards.

I realized Maggie, my dog, loves the great outdoors.  That’s her in the picture.  She is normally a city dog, I keep her on the leash here, at least until we finish the fence.  But when we’re out at the fishing hole or at the family farm, we let her run free.  She’s a great dog and listens well.  But you can tell she loves the freedom.

She saw her first fish yesterday.  She wanted to pounce on it.  When I pulled the bass in, she would lunge at it, then jump back when it flopped.  Her head would cock to the side as she tried to figure out what it was.  It was adorable.

When we got back today, we all needed a nap.  Roughing it is pretty hard work.

Another short story contest…

I recently submitted a short story on Accentuate Writers Forum again.  I feel better about this entry than I did when I last submitted.  I feel like I’m learning more every day on writing techniques.

I’m anxious to see how it goes this month.  There is more competition and the prizes are higher.  If I place in the top three I have a chance to be published in the anthology that is coming out next year.  That’s a pretty big deal.  I’ve never been published anywhere other than online.

I promised my father thirteen years ago that I would get something published.  He knew it was my dream…is my dream.  He didn’t want me to give that up.

I would love to be able to give him that. 

The deadline for the contest is the 20th.  If there are any writers reading this, check it out.  There will be more contests this year, so sign up for the forum.

I’ll update how I did as soon as I find out.  Wish me luck!